Forgive me for creating a blog such as this on Valentines Day, but this is my blog so too bad I'm going to write whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want to.
I honestly used to blame God for my life not being exactly what I had planned. I was supposed to be married by 22 and have kids and the whole 9. Looking back on my last post I feel compelled to reach into the other side of my emotions and write a letter to someone who will never read it simply for the sake of getting it off my chest using inside jokes and personal connections we had to fill in blanks and make points.
We promised eachother we would always love eachother no matter what. Do you remember talking on the phone at 3 in the morning? I would ask you if I dumped you and never talked to you again would you still love me. Would you remember what we felt and fight for it? Would you remind me of what we had and not let me leave it alone? Saps and losers write letters in bottles and throw them out to sea. Weak men cry about what could have been and the unfortunate mistakes they may have made. What about men who are all those things who keep promises? I still love you. Since the day we met all those years ago I've never had one day pass through my life without thinking about you. Throughout my life people have come and filled in the empty space you left behind, but you were still the one who created that hole. Perhaps it's more appropriate to say I was the one who created that hole and pushed you out of my life. There have been times since where you've sat inches from me and I have wanted nothing more than to be closer. I blew it. I let the love of my life pass through my fingers in an immature blur of emotion and true weakness. I'm sorry. I still love you. I would do anything to have you back yet I will do nothing. We will continue to live our lives and I will continue to wonder what if. I am weak.
You'll never read this and my life will move on and I will fall in love again. Those who do read it though should fill themselves with hope and reach out. There is true love. I don't believe in soulmates, but there was a time that I did.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Not all it was cracked up to be eh?
To preface my latest blog I'm going to attempt to not be too obvious when I make referrals to people close to me whose experience I will use as references to this rant. So to all those who find themselves thinking "he's talking about me" well I can neither confirm nor deny the accusation.
Two of my best friends of all time are divorced. Growing up there were few things that I was taught that were supposedly worse than the Big D, however I will definitely say now there are far worse things than the Big D. Here is an example of a paraphrased conversation I had with a girl i dated a little bit right after she had the Big D.
Me-so what's new?
Her-I got remarried to _____
Me-What?! are you serious? I thought you weren't in love with him anymore!
Her-Yeah... I mean we don't sleep together but I really care about him so the companionship is worth it.
So sometime in their life She is going to have to look Him in the face and say "yeah I'm married to you but there are other people I'd rather be with." What the hell is the matter with you people? If my wife came to me and wasn't in love with me I'd tell her to get the hell out of my house! I'm definitely one to accuse girls of being overly emotional and use their feelings to govern their actions over their logic, HOWEVER I still want some romance in my life. I want to be in love. Call it self respect or whatever but whoever I end up with is going to Love me to death! I was talking to one of my friends who has Big D'ed and we were discussing his happiness level. He went on and on about how difficult it was to do it initially but afterwards the weight that was lifted off his shoulders was incredible. If things suck then get the hell out. Hopefully you'll never have to choose between being in love and being happy cause they should always co inside but if that ends up being the case don't be miserable... Imagine how the other person would feel if you were honest and said "you make me miserable" they'd want out too! Do the right thing. Not just in marriage but in relationships too.
Now there are probably a few people who think "don't say that work through it blah blah blah" I personally can name a couple relationships I've been in that have been pretty much effortless. My High school sweetheart and I had a ridiculously effortless relationship. I didn't have to try at all and we had a BLAST together. Just who we were and what we liked meshed pretty much flawlessly... now we're not together anymore obviously but the circumstances that separated us had nothing to do with that. There are over 6 billion people in the world. You think that there is only one person that could make you happy? That's asinine if you think that. I'm pretty much positive that there are people (not a person) out there that you could be in love with AND happy on a relative effortless level. Now there will always be things one person wants to do and the other not and all that but way too much pressure is put on people to have their lives figured out by 26. I HONESTLY thought I was a failure that I was 24 and not married. Now I really don't think I even want to entertain the idea of being married until I'm ready! There are way to many paths in my foreseeable future for me to bind myself to one based on expectations of others or fear of loneliness. I encourage all who read this to examine their own lives and relationships and make sure they don't' have to choose between happiness and love.
Two of my best friends of all time are divorced. Growing up there were few things that I was taught that were supposedly worse than the Big D, however I will definitely say now there are far worse things than the Big D. Here is an example of a paraphrased conversation I had with a girl i dated a little bit right after she had the Big D.
Me-so what's new?
Her-I got remarried to _____
Me-What?! are you serious? I thought you weren't in love with him anymore!
Her-Yeah... I mean we don't sleep together but I really care about him so the companionship is worth it.
So sometime in their life She is going to have to look Him in the face and say "yeah I'm married to you but there are other people I'd rather be with." What the hell is the matter with you people? If my wife came to me and wasn't in love with me I'd tell her to get the hell out of my house! I'm definitely one to accuse girls of being overly emotional and use their feelings to govern their actions over their logic, HOWEVER I still want some romance in my life. I want to be in love. Call it self respect or whatever but whoever I end up with is going to Love me to death! I was talking to one of my friends who has Big D'ed and we were discussing his happiness level. He went on and on about how difficult it was to do it initially but afterwards the weight that was lifted off his shoulders was incredible. If things suck then get the hell out. Hopefully you'll never have to choose between being in love and being happy cause they should always co inside but if that ends up being the case don't be miserable... Imagine how the other person would feel if you were honest and said "you make me miserable" they'd want out too! Do the right thing. Not just in marriage but in relationships too.
Now there are probably a few people who think "don't say that work through it blah blah blah" I personally can name a couple relationships I've been in that have been pretty much effortless. My High school sweetheart and I had a ridiculously effortless relationship. I didn't have to try at all and we had a BLAST together. Just who we were and what we liked meshed pretty much flawlessly... now we're not together anymore obviously but the circumstances that separated us had nothing to do with that. There are over 6 billion people in the world. You think that there is only one person that could make you happy? That's asinine if you think that. I'm pretty much positive that there are people (not a person) out there that you could be in love with AND happy on a relative effortless level. Now there will always be things one person wants to do and the other not and all that but way too much pressure is put on people to have their lives figured out by 26. I HONESTLY thought I was a failure that I was 24 and not married. Now I really don't think I even want to entertain the idea of being married until I'm ready! There are way to many paths in my foreseeable future for me to bind myself to one based on expectations of others or fear of loneliness. I encourage all who read this to examine their own lives and relationships and make sure they don't' have to choose between happiness and love.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
BCS DECLARES GERMANY WINNER OF WORLD WAR II.
United States Ranked 4th.
December 4, 2008
After determining the Big-12 championship game participants, the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests and today the BCS declared Germany the winner of World War II.
"Germany put together an incredible number of victories beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland , France , Norway , Sweden , Denmark , Belgium and the Netherlands . Their only losses came against the US and Russia; however considering their entire body of work--including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule--our computers deemed them worthy of the #1 ranking."
Questioned about the #4 ranking of the United States the BCS commissioner stated, "the US only had two major victories-- Japan and Germany . The computer models, unlike humans, aren't influenced by head-to-head contests. They consider each contest to be only a single, equally-weighted event."
German Chancellor Adolph Hitler said, "yes, we lost to the US , but we defeated #2 ranked France in only 6 weeks." Herr Hitler has been criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn 'style points' to enhance Germany's rankings. Hitler protested, "our contest with Poland was in doubt until the final day and the conditions in Norway were incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional forces."
The French ranking has also come under scrutiny. The BCS commented, " France had a single loss against Germany and following a preseason #1 ranking they only fell to #2."
Japan was ranked #3 with victories including Manchuria, Borneo and the Philippines .
December 4, 2008
After determining the Big-12 championship game participants, the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests and today the BCS declared Germany the winner of World War II.
"Germany put together an incredible number of victories beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland , France , Norway , Sweden , Denmark , Belgium and the Netherlands . Their only losses came against the US and Russia; however considering their entire body of work--including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule--our computers deemed them worthy of the #1 ranking."
Questioned about the #4 ranking of the United States the BCS commissioner stated, "the US only had two major victories-- Japan and Germany . The computer models, unlike humans, aren't influenced by head-to-head contests. They consider each contest to be only a single, equally-weighted event."
German Chancellor Adolph Hitler said, "yes, we lost to the US , but we defeated #2 ranked France in only 6 weeks." Herr Hitler has been criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn 'style points' to enhance Germany's rankings. Hitler protested, "our contest with Poland was in doubt until the final day and the conditions in Norway were incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional forces."
The French ranking has also come under scrutiny. The BCS commented, " France had a single loss against Germany and following a preseason #1 ranking they only fell to #2."
Japan was ranked #3 with victories including Manchuria, Borneo and the Philippines .
Bomb shelters in Spring City
One of my favorite places on earth is Spring City UT. I go there every once in a while at the grace of my wonderful Aunt and Uncle to get away from life and sometimes make some small sales for my company. In October while I was there I remember asking about Halloween. The homes can be rather far apart from eachother and I was curious as to how people were going to trick-or-treat. I then began to hear some of the most ridiculous horse shit I've ever heard in my life. Something to the effect of "Parents don't let their kids go trick-or-treating much anymore around here. They think it's too dangerous." WHAT?! Yeah I'm sure all the crazys in the world have been hunkering down behind junipers just waiting to snatch up all the Spring City kids. Apparently they are now doing trunk-or-treat where people meet up at some damn parking-lot and open their trunks for kids to go car door to car door and get treats. Ok without minimizing this window and going to google name 2 abductions that have happened EVER in Utah. Everyone knows Elizabeth Smart and how horrible and freakish that was, but seriously. I heard about that in Brazil for hells sake. There's like a one in a million chance of something like that ever happening to you.
Look I understand wanting to protect your children and things but don't you think there's a point of detrement? Like never letting your kids see you argue and them expecting marriage and relationships to be perfect? I had a discussion with a co-worker about how in the 80's the "Safety Kids" ruined our lives. She recalls having teachers spotlight kids and have them tell about how a car pulled up and parked by them while they were walking to school and with NO reason whatsoever this child decided to run away cause she was so sure she was about to be kidnapped. Good job of putting the fear of God into these kids. Yeah I'm sure that helps with the whole "love your neighbor" bit. Stranger danger! Score one more for terrorism!
So this whole concept goes to another thing I heard while in Spring City. There are a group of people who have built bomb shelters on the eastern bench of Spring City. A bunch of right-wing nut jobs who have decided when China strikes they're going to be save in their bomb shelters in the middle of nowhere. First of all I don't believe there's going to be a huge war to end all wars. I don't. but regardless of how silly I personally think that is lets go over life in the eyes of some of these people if China DID atom bomb us to kingdom come. So according to my Uncle these people are Mormon like myself. Since I am Mormon I know what these people believe in. A great afterlife full of relatives and Golden streets and happiness. So in their eyes they'd rather live in fear of a bomb and spend money that could go to COUNTLESS better things so that in case the world ends they can live off of broccoli au-graten in a freeze dry bag in a dark smelly hole in Spring City. Stupid Stupid Stupid. I'd rather just die. Live my life loving people, giving them the benifit of the doubt, watching my kids (if I ever have any) go house to house laughing and meeting great people who are excited about kids coming to their houses and spending my money on other things than a hole in the ground with some guns. If the bombs are going to drop then I'll watch the pretty flash before the end. Pull your heads out and live.
Look I understand wanting to protect your children and things but don't you think there's a point of detrement? Like never letting your kids see you argue and them expecting marriage and relationships to be perfect? I had a discussion with a co-worker about how in the 80's the "Safety Kids" ruined our lives. She recalls having teachers spotlight kids and have them tell about how a car pulled up and parked by them while they were walking to school and with NO reason whatsoever this child decided to run away cause she was so sure she was about to be kidnapped. Good job of putting the fear of God into these kids. Yeah I'm sure that helps with the whole "love your neighbor" bit. Stranger danger! Score one more for terrorism!
So this whole concept goes to another thing I heard while in Spring City. There are a group of people who have built bomb shelters on the eastern bench of Spring City. A bunch of right-wing nut jobs who have decided when China strikes they're going to be save in their bomb shelters in the middle of nowhere. First of all I don't believe there's going to be a huge war to end all wars. I don't. but regardless of how silly I personally think that is lets go over life in the eyes of some of these people if China DID atom bomb us to kingdom come. So according to my Uncle these people are Mormon like myself. Since I am Mormon I know what these people believe in. A great afterlife full of relatives and Golden streets and happiness. So in their eyes they'd rather live in fear of a bomb and spend money that could go to COUNTLESS better things so that in case the world ends they can live off of broccoli au-graten in a freeze dry bag in a dark smelly hole in Spring City. Stupid Stupid Stupid. I'd rather just die. Live my life loving people, giving them the benifit of the doubt, watching my kids (if I ever have any) go house to house laughing and meeting great people who are excited about kids coming to their houses and spending my money on other things than a hole in the ground with some guns. If the bombs are going to drop then I'll watch the pretty flash before the end. Pull your heads out and live.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Bailout
Ok so this is definately not a new topic, nor will this be a unique blog since I'm sure there are thousands of similar blogs to this one out there. Nevertheless I feel inclined to do some pissing and moaning.
Where the *&@# is my bailout? Ok seriously, WTF is up with huge banks who won't give me a loan getting HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS to keep their damn comfy offices and nice cars filled with premium gas imported from Iran? I own a small business that I have given my soul to for the last few years and am going to have to start making small layoffs. I don't need 1.2 billion... i don't need 1 million. How about 5 grand for hells sake? 15 grand so i can make payroll for 2 months and save some money? Nope, the organization who pays my rich sister is getting over a billion dollars because they made bad mistakes. So if i inflate my earnings and make some really bad decisions it's ok cause Uncle Sam will make it all better. In the immortal words of Monty Python "if she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood. And therefore, a Witch!" What the hell kind of sense does that make? I'm calling BS. I am going to call American Express in the next couple days and tell them that i'm not paying back some of the money I owe. It's MY bailout bitch! Yeah expect a check from the taxpayers for the 4 grand i owe you. I screwed up, I borrowed more money than I should have and now the community is going to make it better. Yeah thanks for taking a shit on my face W. Bastard.
Where the *&@# is my bailout? Ok seriously, WTF is up with huge banks who won't give me a loan getting HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS to keep their damn comfy offices and nice cars filled with premium gas imported from Iran? I own a small business that I have given my soul to for the last few years and am going to have to start making small layoffs. I don't need 1.2 billion... i don't need 1 million. How about 5 grand for hells sake? 15 grand so i can make payroll for 2 months and save some money? Nope, the organization who pays my rich sister is getting over a billion dollars because they made bad mistakes. So if i inflate my earnings and make some really bad decisions it's ok cause Uncle Sam will make it all better. In the immortal words of Monty Python "if she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood. And therefore, a Witch!" What the hell kind of sense does that make? I'm calling BS. I am going to call American Express in the next couple days and tell them that i'm not paying back some of the money I owe. It's MY bailout bitch! Yeah expect a check from the taxpayers for the 4 grand i owe you. I screwed up, I borrowed more money than I should have and now the community is going to make it better. Yeah thanks for taking a shit on my face W. Bastard.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
"That guy"
I was hanging out with one of my best friends last night. Derrek and I were at the Bayou joking around and having a good time with his girlfriend Erica, his cousin and Erica's friend Josh from Boston. I started the usual banter I do with anyone from Boston by making snide comments about how much the Red Sox suck and yadda yadda... turns out he doesn't like baseball. Therefore i needed to find something else to occupy my mind and mischief.
Derrek's cousin rescued my inner child by ordering a bowl full of jalapeños. Now I have been known to be a spicy food junky from time to time so my first thought is "oh good these should be tasty." My lack of respect for the jalapeños was a mistake i paid for.
It all started with our waitress who wasn't very cute, but when I'm feelin' left out cause Derrek is with a girl i start to flirt... it's a bad habit of mine but whatever. She brings the jalapeños and then pulls out a handful of change offering to anyone dumb enough to eat a whole jalapeño. As any of you people know guys turn into complete jackasses when faced with a challenge in front of girls, regardless of how little or much attraction there is to any particular girl in the vicinity. So like the jackass I am I take the challenge on. Here were my symptoms : 1: Left eye watering like a hose ( i don't know why just the left but it was) 2: MASSIVE hiccups. One unfathomable to me is how i get the hiccups anytime something spicy is consumed rapidly. This one sucked ass cause as much as i held my breath or drank water, like the pressures of strict Mormonism creeping into my life, they just wouldn't go away. 3: Josh turned to me and said "oh wow, so you're 'that guy'". KICK ASS!
So here is one thing I have realized in my life. Part of me considers this pathetic but part of me can't help but go with it. I've always wanted to be "that guy". The logical part of me often fights with and hates the passionate side of me. This is one battle that in my world is Epic. Looking at that guy in high school who's dad gave him a Porche and he drove it to school acting like he was a hard-ass. That guy in my fraternity who had a mullet and still got chicks. That guy i heard about who liquidated his entire life and put it all on black in Vegas and won. There are a few people in the world who probably consider me "that guy" but I suppose if I'm "that guy" to myself that's all that matters.
I had a scare on Friday where for about 2 hours there was a miscommunication where I thought i had just lost control over my company that i founded. I went through the mourning process of denial then anger then sadness then acceptance or whatever, and when I got to the end of the mini mourning i decided I was moving to Brazil. I was going to go home, pack up some shit, get in my car and drive. Deactivate my phone, tell my close ones i loved them and sever all ties i had to a previous life since to date my company defines about 80 percent of who I am and what I think about. To my surprise I was becoming REALLY excited! I didn't know what i was going to do for money or a place to stay or ANYTHING and I was getting more excited about the idea by the minute. After some more look into things that wasn't the case and I was simply being stupid to think I was losing control, but I realized something about myself. Perhaps I AM "that guy". You know, that guy who just up and disappeared off the face of the planet one day because he could. Sounds like a little slice of heaven and I really started to make plans of doing it.
So a quick pat on the back to me for maybe, just maybe being "that guy"
Derrek's cousin rescued my inner child by ordering a bowl full of jalapeños. Now I have been known to be a spicy food junky from time to time so my first thought is "oh good these should be tasty." My lack of respect for the jalapeños was a mistake i paid for.
It all started with our waitress who wasn't very cute, but when I'm feelin' left out cause Derrek is with a girl i start to flirt... it's a bad habit of mine but whatever. She brings the jalapeños and then pulls out a handful of change offering to anyone dumb enough to eat a whole jalapeño. As any of you people know guys turn into complete jackasses when faced with a challenge in front of girls, regardless of how little or much attraction there is to any particular girl in the vicinity. So like the jackass I am I take the challenge on. Here were my symptoms : 1: Left eye watering like a hose ( i don't know why just the left but it was) 2: MASSIVE hiccups. One unfathomable to me is how i get the hiccups anytime something spicy is consumed rapidly. This one sucked ass cause as much as i held my breath or drank water, like the pressures of strict Mormonism creeping into my life, they just wouldn't go away. 3: Josh turned to me and said "oh wow, so you're 'that guy'". KICK ASS!
So here is one thing I have realized in my life. Part of me considers this pathetic but part of me can't help but go with it. I've always wanted to be "that guy". The logical part of me often fights with and hates the passionate side of me. This is one battle that in my world is Epic. Looking at that guy in high school who's dad gave him a Porche and he drove it to school acting like he was a hard-ass. That guy in my fraternity who had a mullet and still got chicks. That guy i heard about who liquidated his entire life and put it all on black in Vegas and won. There are a few people in the world who probably consider me "that guy" but I suppose if I'm "that guy" to myself that's all that matters.
I had a scare on Friday where for about 2 hours there was a miscommunication where I thought i had just lost control over my company that i founded. I went through the mourning process of denial then anger then sadness then acceptance or whatever, and when I got to the end of the mini mourning i decided I was moving to Brazil. I was going to go home, pack up some shit, get in my car and drive. Deactivate my phone, tell my close ones i loved them and sever all ties i had to a previous life since to date my company defines about 80 percent of who I am and what I think about. To my surprise I was becoming REALLY excited! I didn't know what i was going to do for money or a place to stay or ANYTHING and I was getting more excited about the idea by the minute. After some more look into things that wasn't the case and I was simply being stupid to think I was losing control, but I realized something about myself. Perhaps I AM "that guy". You know, that guy who just up and disappeared off the face of the planet one day because he could. Sounds like a little slice of heaven and I really started to make plans of doing it.
So a quick pat on the back to me for maybe, just maybe being "that guy"
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