Forgive me

Forgive me for creating a blog such as this on Valentines Day, but this is my blog so too bad I'm going to write whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want to.

I honestly used to blame God for my life not being exactly what I had planned. I was supposed to be married by 22 and have kids and the whole 9. Looking back on my last post I feel compelled to reach into the other side of my emotions and write a letter to someone who will never read it simply for the sake of getting it off my chest using inside jokes and personal connections we had to fill in blanks and make points.

We promised eachother we would always love eachother no matter what. Do you remember talking on the phone at 3 in the morning? I would ask you if I dumped you and never talked to you again would you still love me. Would you remember what we felt and fight for it? Would you remind me of what we had and not let me leave it alone? Saps and losers write letters in bottles and throw them out to sea. Weak men cry about what could have been and the unfortunate mistakes they may have made. What about men who are all those things who keep promises? I still love you. Since the day we met all those years ago I've never had one day pass through my life without thinking about you. Throughout my life people have come and filled in the empty space you left behind, but you were still the one who created that hole. Perhaps it's more appropriate to say I was the one who created that hole and pushed you out of my life. There have been times since where you've sat inches from me and I have wanted nothing more than to be closer. I blew it. I let the love of my life pass through my fingers in an immature blur of emotion and true weakness. I'm sorry. I still love you. I would do anything to have you back yet I will do nothing. We will continue to live our lives and I will continue to wonder what if. I am weak.

You'll never read this and my life will move on and I will fall in love again. Those who do read it though should fill themselves with hope and reach out. There is true love. I don't believe in soulmates, but there was a time that I did.

Not all it was cracked up to be eh?

To preface my latest blog I'm going to attempt to not be too obvious when I make referrals to people close to me whose experience I will use as references to this rant. So to all those who find themselves thinking "he's talking about me" well I can neither confirm nor deny the accusation.

Two of my best friends of all time are divorced. Growing up there were few things that I was taught that were supposedly worse than the Big D, however I will definitely say now there are far worse things than the Big D. Here is an example of a paraphrased conversation I had with a girl i dated a little bit right after she had the Big D.
Me-so what's new?
Her-I got remarried to _____
Me-What?! are you serious? I thought you weren't in love with him anymore!
Her-Yeah... I mean we don't sleep together but I really care about him so the companionship is worth it.

So sometime in their life She is going to have to look Him in the face and say "yeah I'm married to you but there are other people I'd rather be with." What the hell is the matter with you people? If my wife came to me and wasn't in love with me I'd tell her to get the hell out of my house! I'm definitely one to accuse girls of being overly emotional and use their feelings to govern their actions over their logic, HOWEVER I still want some romance in my life. I want to be in love. Call it self respect or whatever but whoever I end up with is going to Love me to death! I was talking to one of my friends who has Big D'ed and we were discussing his happiness level. He went on and on about how difficult it was to do it initially but afterwards the weight that was lifted off his shoulders was incredible. If things suck then get the hell out. Hopefully you'll never have to choose between being in love and being happy cause they should always co inside but if that ends up being the case don't be miserable... Imagine how the other person would feel if you were honest and said "you make me miserable" they'd want out too! Do the right thing. Not just in marriage but in relationships too.

Now there are probably a few people who think "don't say that work through it blah blah blah" I personally can name a couple relationships I've been in that have been pretty much effortless. My High school sweetheart and I had a ridiculously effortless relationship. I didn't have to try at all and we had a BLAST together. Just who we were and what we liked meshed pretty much flawlessly... now we're not together anymore obviously but the circumstances that separated us had nothing to do with that. There are over 6 billion people in the world. You think that there is only one person that could make you happy? That's asinine if you think that. I'm pretty much positive that there are people (not a person) out there that you could be in love with AND happy on a relative effortless level. Now there will always be things one person wants to do and the other not and all that but way too much pressure is put on people to have their lives figured out by 26. I HONESTLY thought I was a failure that I was 24 and not married. Now I really don't think I even want to entertain the idea of being married until I'm ready! There are way to many paths in my foreseeable future for me to bind myself to one based on expectations of others or fear of loneliness. I encourage all who read this to examine their own lives and relationships and make sure they don't' have to choose between happiness and love.