Forgive me for creating a blog such as this on Valentines Day, but this is my blog so too bad I'm going to write whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want to.
I honestly used to blame God for my life not being exactly what I had planned. I was supposed to be married by 22 and have kids and the whole 9. Looking back on my last post I feel compelled to reach into the other side of my emotions and write a letter to someone who will never read it simply for the sake of getting it off my chest using inside jokes and personal connections we had to fill in blanks and make points.
We promised eachother we would always love eachother no matter what. Do you remember talking on the phone at 3 in the morning? I would ask you if I dumped you and never talked to you again would you still love me. Would you remember what we felt and fight for it? Would you remind me of what we had and not let me leave it alone? Saps and losers write letters in bottles and throw them out to sea. Weak men cry about what could have been and the unfortunate mistakes they may have made. What about men who are all those things who keep promises? I still love you. Since the day we met all those years ago I've never had one day pass through my life without thinking about you. Throughout my life people have come and filled in the empty space you left behind, but you were still the one who created that hole. Perhaps it's more appropriate to say I was the one who created that hole and pushed you out of my life. There have been times since where you've sat inches from me and I have wanted nothing more than to be closer. I blew it. I let the love of my life pass through my fingers in an immature blur of emotion and true weakness. I'm sorry. I still love you. I would do anything to have you back yet I will do nothing. We will continue to live our lives and I will continue to wonder what if. I am weak.
You'll never read this and my life will move on and I will fall in love again. Those who do read it though should fill themselves with hope and reach out. There is true love. I don't believe in soulmates, but there was a time that I did.
Dear Horn-Dog,
ReplyDeleteRecently I read something that totally gave me a different perspective on past relationships: "When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, "...They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been for us, no doubt they would have continued with us." 1 John 2:19
People leave you because they are not joined to you. Let them go. It doesn't mean they are bad people; it just means their part in your life story is over."
I recently said goodbye, again, to someone who left me and left a hole. It is time to recognize that he no longer has a part in my future life story. Time to move on. Easier said than done. But that's it. It's done. Over. Move on.
And so we do ...
All I can say is...love is the best and the worst thing in the world! When you find it, it can either give you all you imagined from it, or leave, breaking and ripping your heart out. In the end...love with continue and conquer, and you'll finally find someone you could never live without because they complete you and make you the best and so much better than you could have imagined yourself to be...and the best part...you do the same for them. Sometimes we do things we regret...but later on we realize that the regret was a blessing in the end and looking back you wouldn't have had it any other way because you grew in ways you never could have without the experience, nor could you have obtained what you gained in the future! What you wrote was very inspiring. Even though it sucks, you will find someone amazing, someone more than you could have imagined. You are awesome! Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteheart-wrenching, but understandable. those of us who have found soulmates and are left behind (or have left) will always have a hole. i believe it will get smaller, but it will never be filled.
ReplyDeletechin up